Heart thoughts: Our Heaven Baby

 “Why, God, do people have to die?  A daughter or a son, sudden and so young, long before their time? . . . I don’t understand, but I understand why God, I need You.  It’s why, God, I run to Your arms, over and over again.  It’s why, God, I cling to Your love and hold on for dear life.  And I’ll find, You are right by my side, even here, in the ‘why, God?’”  - Austin French

They tell me “it’s okay to cry.”  But they don’t cry with me.  They tell me that it’s healthy to grieve, but I don’t know how to.  How do I grieve my heaven baby, but still live and laugh with my precious girls?  How do I keep breathing, when every breath hurts so much?  How do I let go enough to keep moving and doing, but hold on so I don’t forget?  Because despite how much it hurts, I don’t want to forget our Amarielle Rose.  I long for stories to tell about her, like “she had the most beautiful smile,” instead, I have dreams that are returning to black and white.  We got to love her for such a short time.  Just weeks, instead of the years I had been assuming we’d have.  I took for granted that I’d had two healthy pregnancies and just assumed this one would be like the former ones.

The words, “there is no heartbeat” has to be one of the worst sentences I have ever heard spoken to me.  We went to the appointment, excited to see our baby for the first time, but left with confused and hurting hearts.  “God, where are you?  Why is this happening? My precious girl . . . “

Today marks 2 weeks since that day.  Since we found out that our sweet baby had already gone to Heaven.  I have wrestled with so many thoughts, so many questions and doubts, so much pain and also a disheartening numbness that makes it hard to get out of bed sometimes.  I’m thankful for our sweet girls that are here for me to hold and love.  They force me to keep moving, even when I really just want to sit and cry.  I don’t have answers.  I still have so many questions, but I doubt I’ll know the answers this side of Heaven.  I think of Heaven, how my mom and grandpa are holding Amarielle for us.  How the first sight her tiny eyes ever saw was the glory of God and the indescribable beauty of Heaven.  I think that I must be selfish to wish her still here with me . . . . I wonder at how God made our hearts able to so deeply miss someone that we never even got to meet.

I spent a few days feeling so very angry at God.  I had prayed for our sweet baby so many times.  I prayed every night for her to be healthy and growing well.  From the day I had a positive pregnancy test, I had prayed for her.  And it’s so easy for me to look with my human eyes at the situation and say that God didn’t act.  Or that He simply said, “No.”  Or that He heard my words and didn’t care.  Or that He didn’t even hear me at all.  And I can give myself all of the trite answers that must be in some Christian handbook somewhere - “What to say when someone is hurting.”  But those empty words don’t bind the wounds.  They don’t offer comfort.  I don’t know why God didn’t answer my prayers.  I don’t know why our family is experiencing this pain.  But I do still believe that He is here with us, mourning with us, because His heart breaks with the pain His children experience.  I know that God didn’t choose this for us.  I know death wasn’t in His plans.  He didn’t create us to die, it is a curse of the fallen world we live in.  I know these things.  But my heart still hurts.   

I thought at one point that I wished God had simply not allowed the pregnancy, rather than allowing my baby to begin to live and then her heart stop beating.  Now, with a smidge of hindsight, I am so thankful for our Heaven baby.  I got to love her for such a short time.  My heart feels heavy with the love I won’t get to lavish on her.  But isn’t it amazing how our hearts are made to expand with each person who comes into our lives, regardless of how long they stay?  I pray that somehow, in the midst of this pain, we learn to love in a way that reflects our Savior.  And that our hearts will be softened and open to love others who are experiencing the same pain, because we understand the road they are traveling.